Functional Relationships

Jan 25

When I do couples work, a typical misconception is that living with someone should be easy if you love them. Clients ask, “how do we know if we have a healthy relationship?” According to John Gottman, PhD., certain dynamics do exist in functional relationships. The concepts are included in his book “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.”

If you’re wanting to improve your relationship, read through the dynamics below and consider how YOU can make small changes to improve. Do not look for imperfections in your partner. It’s critical to work on your own role vs fixing the other.

Here are a few dynamics found in healthy relationships:

Fondness and Admiration: Happily married couples appreciate and respect each other. Simply put, their friendship remains strong through struggles and priorities outside of their relationship.

Matches in meta-emotion (how people feel about feelings). When both individuals value feelings it enhances a relationship. Note that couples who both avoid discussing feelings can be OK if relationship is otherwise healthy.
- Mismatches are a problem. Individuals may avoid vulnerability due to past experiences, culture, insecurities, or lack of emotional safety.

Functional Interaction Patterns During Conflict:
- Softened startup versus harsh startup. This refers to how problems are initially presented and helps a couple feel respected by each other. The woman’s role is often critical.
- Accepting influence versus escalation. This skill goes hand in hand with the harsh start-up (not taking it personally) and the man’s role is often critical.
- Repair attempts. Effective repair attempts (empathy, humor, compliments, touch, breaks) help keep conflict from becoming hurtful.
- Avoiding the Four Horsemen: Anger can be present, but the four horsemen (conflict, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling) damage relationships.
- Positive affect: Positive affect (expectation of love and support) was the only variable among newlyweds that predicted both couple stability and happiness. Positive affect includes seeing positives in the spouse despite imperfections and receiving suggestions without dwelling on criticisms.

Dialog around Perpetual Problems: Functional couples have dialog rather than gridlock on perpetual issues (70% of issues). These are unresolvable issues based on two individuals living together with different upbringings, personalities, beliefs, etc. Dialog for understanding vs blame.

Chris Guzniczak, Licensed Professional Counselor

Flower Mound Counseling