Connection
I spend a lot of time with parents, and I’m often asked the same question; “what am I seeing as the biggest problem that teens come into therapy for?” I tend to talk about struggles with transitioning to independence and struggles with social pressures. When I think about the conversations I have with clients, there seems to be a common theme. Maybe it shouldn’t be surprising that many of my young clients struggle with loneliness, or a lack of connection.
Studies have connected relationships (more than any other variable) to happiness. According to Robert Waldinger, Harvard Medical School, in his TED talk in which he refers to his study on happiness, loneliness kills and it’s as powerful as smoking or alcoholism. It’s probably what pulls us to “social” tools like Facebook and Instagram. After all, how can someone with 500 friends feel lonely? Something’s afoot!!
Well, something is afoot. Quantity doesn’t equal quality. The shift to digital communication has changed how we socialize as a society. Many of our youth excel with digital socialization but struggle to meet new people and develop trusted relationships in person.
Meeting people involves social skills, and just like any skills, they take practice. If an eighteen-year-old has conducted 80% of his socializing over text, DMs, and Instagram, that means he has only socialized in person 20% of the time. Social skills like eye contact, listening, non-verbals, and even phone etiquette, are all learned through experience (practice).
Deep relationships usually require trust, familiarity, shared interests, and time together. In a word, they require us to be present. We (humans) struggle to be present while we are “connected” to the rest of our digital world with devices. When we use technology in our relationships, we’re able to be a little bit less present. It’s as if we have this layer of protection through a screen. It’s an interesting paradox, that the devices designed to connect us limit the quality of our connections in our real-life relationships.
What can we do? It pains me to say this (after 20 years in tech) but learn to disconnect.
1) Demonstrate to your children, your students, and other youth, that we don’t always need to be connected. Learn to get off the grid and be present sometimes.
2) Give your kids opportunities to socialize (in person) as much as possible. Balance their use of technology with being present. Of course, technology provides us with tremendous value and it’s here to stay in our social lives. 3) Listen to your kids because their world is constantly changing and its reliant on technology in many ways.
DJ Jazzy Jeff said it best back in the 80’s and it’s still true; “Parents just don’t understand.” Take the time to understand the digital world while sharing the beauty in moments of presence, of connection, which is what we all want.
